| My bitch of a neighbor |
Ugh!!! Ok this has nothing to do with adoption what-so-ever. This is about my stupid annoying neighbor. I HATE HER.
Yes. I hate her. She is old, and she smokes, so my house smells of her smoking because I live right above her. She likes to stick her nose where it doesn't belong, and leave annoying little notes on our door. She is "worried" about our dog because he barks. Well the day in question we had to go get a freaking PIANO from about an hour and a half away. It took all day to get it to the place we were going and get it unloaded. Now my dog has to stay in a create when we are gone for a long time because he will poop and pee on the floor So he wasn't very happy about being stuck in the cage for that long and I had no idea it was going to take that long, so he barked a lot. It was a one time thing that couldn't be helped.
We used to put him on the balcony but he barked at the people who walked by so of course she bitched about that to landlord and I got a call.
Now I know that he does bark other times we leave, but the other neighbor that lives next to her has a dog that barks all day too. WHAT ABOUT THEM?!?!
Then last Sunday at 10:30am while I was getting ready for church I played a song on my computer up kind of loud. IT WAS 10 IN THE MORNING. I thoughtthat normal people would be awake by then. And I also play my music up loud sometimes just because I want to, and its like 3 in the afternoon.
So now the landlord has yelled at us for that too. WHY?! Probably because brad and I are young and so we are treated like children.
FUCK THAT. I am one very annoyed ungrateful bastard and I don't put up with shit like this. IF I ever get one more fucking note on my door I'm going to write her back and tell her JUST WHAT I THINK OF HER.
And the landlord can't get mad at me just for telling that woman shes a fucking bitch!
Alright thats the end of my rant. I just had to express my feelings before I flipped out on something else (like the dog). I feel better now. |
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| Spilling out... |
So I start counseling with a professional next week. I've been going to see my Minister and he really helped me out a lot, but suggested that I talk to a professional. Just talking to someone though has helped.
I have a lot of underlying problems that need to be worked out. I have so many issues that are deep down inside and come out in strange ways.
When I was in high school/college I used to cut my wrists. I never really talked about it or told many people. I wasn't one of the girls who scratched up their arm and showed it to everyone and bragged about it. I tried to hide it, even if it meant wearing long sleeves in hot weather. I also starved myself because I didn't feel skinny enough, partly because my best friend at the time was anorexic (I'm not nor was I then) but I have always felt bad about my image. I did not have a eating disorder, but I did have disordered eating. If that makes sense. I was 105lbs at 5'3, and I thought I was fat and I hated myself. I would probably still cut and starve myself to this day if I hadn't gotten married. My husband doesn't like me to do it, and it hurts him when I do. I know that I will get caught, so I don't do it, but some days its a battle.
I ran away from home when I was in the 9th grade, and had my best friend taken away from me by my parents because they banned me from seeing her. I pushed everything that happened with that down in side and I have refused to revisit it. Which is why I am so vague about it now...sorry about that.
I can't make friends. I mean I have friends I talk to on myspace or whatever, but I don't have any close friends. I CAN'T put myself out there. I've been hurt so many times I just don't believe anymore that people can be trusted. I honestly don't think there is anyone out there who won' leave me at some point. And its not worth it. I've been told that you can play it safe and be miserable, or get out there and live. But the only outcome I can see is going out there and being miserable I just can't see it any other way. I just don't think that anyone will stay with me. People only care about themselves and no one can deal with me and my tendency to sabotage things. I need someone who will push back, who will stand their ground and let me know they aren't going anywhere despite me. Being adopted I push a LOT. I try to cause the very thing that I fear, and I need someone who understands that and cares about me.
Such a person does not exist.Labels: adoption adoptee problems SI self hatred friends |
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Ugh.
I'm tired...so tired. And my heart is heavy.
The only emotion I feel anymore is anger and contempt. Not just at my bmom either. At lots of people including my husband. I don't feel happy or sad, just MAD. Either that or nothing at all. He and I have been getting into a lot of nasty fights lately, mostly its because of me. I overreact to something small, get really really mad over something that isn't that big of a deal. I don't even know why! And then I don't feel sorry, because remember I don't feel shame or guilt, only anger. I'm afraid that our marriage won't last, I mean we've been married 1 year and SO many people get divorced...what if that happens to me too? I couldn't take that.
When will I ever start to feel other feelings again?
My house is a mess, I haven't cooked a meal in a week or cleaned the kitchen/ferret room. I just don't care.
I wish I could care, but I think my emotions are protecting me right now by having me just shut off. I guess I'll come back some day.Labels: adoption adoptee emotions |
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| Strange feelings |
My feelings have gone on a literal roller coaster in just a 2 week time, if even that. I found the group Adult Adoptees Advocation for Change, got offended that people were against adoption. Then I listened to what they had to say, and accepted the fact that I was way wrong, and learned a lot. I had been searching for my birth mom since I was 18 (i'm 21 now) but I didn't know where to start. Until I went and gershom told me and HELPED me! Then in one week I find out her name and where she lives and find my grandparents. I was on fire! I wanted to find her now with a burning passion that had been subdued, although was always there. I was so excited! Then when I finally pushed down the vomit that was threatening to come up, and called my grandparents...they tell me she doesn't want to talk to me, that she had pretended like it never happened, and didn't know I was a girl. She still doesn't want me...Never thinks of me...all my thoughts and feelings are crushed. I used to to daydream about her, and her missing me and longing for me. Now I feel like she doesn't give 2 shits. I know its probably not true but thats how I feel.
I cried all day and was depressed for about 3 days. Then the other night I found my mothers address myself (since the grandparents won't give it to me) I still don't have a phone number but I have an address. I looked for HOURS for that address, and used everything from google earth to the MLS pages and public records. I typed her name into a million "free" searches and they all came back the same. Until one....and it gave me an address that was in a neighborhood that she lives in. I found out the name of the neighborhood with the public record search, it told me that she had just recently gotten a morgage for a certain place, that I typed into google earth and looked up the streets around it. After finding one house that was for sale in that neighborhood with the MLS pages (the sites realtors use)
No phone number listed, she doesn't have a land line it seems.
Anyway, now I have the chance to write her myself. After all the hours of searching I did that night, you would think I would have already written that letter in earnest.
Nope. I don't want to write her. This feeling surprised me. I don't want to talk to her. All the burning intensity I had to find her has gone, I don't even care about seeing someone who looks me anymore. First time in my WHOLE life I've felt this way. I could care less if she ever calls me. I don't think she will and I don't care, I'm kind of mad at her and this is where I'm at. I don't know if its the hurt I'm feeling thats causing this, or maybe I'm just burned out. I have no idea what I would say to her, because I'm mad and it wouldn't come out very nice or sincere.
Now I feel numb inside. I can't cry anymore, even when I want to. I for sure don't feel like the same person anymore. Labels: birth mother searching adoption adoptee |
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| Lost and Found |
Well, I found her. I found my birth mother and my grandparents. Called the grandparents, they were shocked but I think happy to hear from me. They called her for me, (even though I wish I could have done it myself) and she didn't want to talk to me. So...I'm at a loss right now. I feel horrible. I'm so depressed but also numb at the same time. I don't think I've ever gone through something this awful ever in my life.
Grandparents seem to think she just needs time, but how much time? Probably years. Maybe never. I don't know. I sent them a letter with pictures and now I am just waiting and feeling hopeless and helpless.Labels: adoption birth mother searching |
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| Adoption |
So I have started my search for my birth parents. There is a lot involved and who knows how long this will take. I am getting ready to register for the largest adoption registry in the country and then I am going to mail a letter to Florida asking them for my non- identifying (non-id) information. Its actually a violation of my rights for them not to give it to me. But we'll see if they comply.
Its pretty messed up how they treat adoptees. Like anyone else has the right to know all about their past, but they keep it a secret from us. Acting like giving us that information would cause us to go stalk and harass the family. Thats not at all what I would do! I just want to know where I came from, just like everyone one else. They act like we should be thankful to society for helping us. Like if we hadn't been given up for adoption we would have been aborted. Does anyone say that to children who live with their natural parents, "aren't you glad you were loved enough not to be aborted??" NO. They only say it to people like us, like we should be thankful for something. I have to ask myself, why did she give me up. Why didn't she give me to an aunt, uncle, grandparents, anything to keep me in the family? Maybe she didn't have a choice in the matter. Then there's the trama to mother and child, a baby knows who its mom is, right from the start because they from an emotional bond in the womb. You will sub-conciously know that you have been abandoned as a child, and when I was little I had "tramatic attachment" to my mom because of that. I was deathly afraid that I was going to lose her, I wouldn't even play on playgrounds if I couldn't see her at all times. I would never have fun or do anything unless she was right there next to me. I remember the fear I had and it was intense. Luckily I have grown out of it. But there are still signs in my life of my strong attachment to things and how some would view me as "clingy".
Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom. Thats what she is to me, my mom. I will always think of her as that, and I will always love her best. But I just need to know where I come from and I intend to find out.Labels: adoption adult adoptee |
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| First time |
Hello blogger world! I am new here. I have been on Xanga for 3 years and I never knew about this lovely little place. It seems blogger is where xanga gets a lot of its *new* ideas.
Anyway a lot of my friends who are adoptees like me, have a blogger so I decided to do the same. I don't feel to great about sharing everything about my adoption on my xanga, so this will be my new adoption venting blog.
Any fellow adoptees, feel free to friend me or whatever it is you do here. |
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Name: *****
Home:
About Me: I'm just a girl trying to figure out whats going on. Lover of animals, cynical, adopted and learning about myself. I'm married to a great man. This blog is only for my friends in the AAAFC and any other random person on blogger...but no one I know in real life.
See my profile...
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Brushes by Gvalkyrie
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posted by ***** at 